Ladies and gentlemen, gather around and behold the greatest magic trick ever performed in the history of fiscal illusions — the astounding vanishing act of Sh72 billion by our beloved county governments. Not stolen, mind you. Oh no, that would be too predictable. This money simply… wasn’t spent. It sat there, lonely and unbothered, like an unused gym membership in January.
According to the Controller of Budget, Margaret Nyakang’o — who at this point deserves a medal for staying sane — counties were required to spend Sh105.7 billion on development in just six months. They managed a heroic Sh33.6 billion, a third of the target. It’s the sort of performance you’d expect from a student who spends the night before an exam watching cat videos and then proudly scores 30%.
And why, you ask, did counties fail to spend the money? Was it a lack of projects? No. A lack of ideas? Certainly not. According to the report, it was due to “low own-source revenues and delays in the release of exchequer funds.” Translation: “We couldn’t find the money we already had because someone forgot where they put it.”
Now, brace yourself for the next part of the show. The counties must now pull off the impossible — spend Sh177.9 billion in the next six months. To put this into perspective, that’s like realizing you’ve done zero Christmas shopping by December 24th and deciding you can buy everything — including a last-minute pet giraffe — in one afternoon.
Even more impressive are the counties that spent so little on development, you’d think they mistook their budgets for Monopoly money. Baringo and Tana River counties managed a groundbreaking 7% absorption rate. Meanwhile, Nairobi, Kisumu, and Nyeri pushed the envelope further — a jaw-dropping 6%. It’s the sort of effort that would make a sloth look hyperactive.
Of course, not all counties were asleep at the wheel. Mandera proudly topped the development spending charts with a staggering 32%. Now, that’s not half of what they were supposed to spend — but hey, in this context, it’s like running a marathon, tripping at the 10km mark, and still demanding a gold medal because at least you showed up.
The real trick now will be watching how counties plan to miraculously absorb their development budgets in record time. Expect the sudden overnight construction of “ghost hospitals,” “invisible roads,” and “air-conditioned classrooms for imaginary students.” By June, we’ll be promised futuristic infrastructure so advanced, we won’t be able to see it with the naked eye.
So, the next time someone asks why your local clinic has no medicine, or why your road is a pothole-themed obstacle course, just remember: the money wasn’t stolen… it just never got spent. Magic!
